A Tale of a Girl

Once upon a time in a land not so far away a girl lived her life – unnoticed by the world.

People saw her but they didn’t notice her.
People knew her but not who she was.
People greeted her but didn’t know her name.
People talked to her but not with her.
People asked her questions but didn’t listen to her answers.

The girl felt lonely even though she knew people.
The girl felt unnoticed even though people saw her.
The girl felt unwelcomed even though people greeted her.
The girl felt not connected even though people talked to her.
The girl felt unappreciated even though people asked her questions.

The sun and the moon watched this go on for 20 years and they talked about it every morning and evening when their paths crossed.
“How’s the girl“, the sun asked in the morning.
“She was crying all night“, replied the moon.
“She wouldn’t be so lonely if she talked to people.“
“But they never listen to what she says. They talk TO her, but not WITH her. They ask questions because it wouldn’t be polite to ask everyone but her – still they don’t care for her answers. It isn’t her fault – what more can she do?” Moon never understood how Sun could be so dense not to see all this.
“But don’t the people give her a chance? She just needs to do more than say ‘Yes’ or ‘No’, she needs to say what’s on her mind. Then they’ll no longer have the feeling she’S just being polite because she has to.” That is what Sun saw every day when he watched the girl interact with people. Or at least that’s the way it seemed to him.
“Every night she is crying herself to sleep. She wants to be connected – but she feels so unwelcomed. There is nothing more she can do. No one knows her – she is so alone and she doesn’t have the strength anymore.“
“Moon, she is not your responsibility. Neither is she mine. All I see is that people talk to her and ask her questions, she is seen by the world, she exists. The people can’t do more than this. What do you expect?“
“I expect them to try to make an effort, to not only see her – but to notice her. To not just talk TO her – but actually have a conversation WITH her. To not just ask her questions – but to listen to what she has to say. She is saying so much more than just words – they don’t look at her face, Sun!“
“Don’t look at her face?! You haven’t seen her by day, her face is made of stone – her eyes are like ice. They are so cold that even I get a chill when she looks at me.“
“Cold eyes?! Her eyes are filled with so much pain and longing. I see all the love she has to give – and no one to give it to.“

Moon and Sun were so lost – they wanted to help the girl, but how?
Both had different points of view and different advice for her. So they decided to talk to her together – that evening.
Moon came out early that night and sun stayed as long as he could. Just when both of them were at the same point in sky they whispered:
“Hey, girl. We need to talk to you.“
The girl was looking around, confused because she could see no one near her.
“Psst, up here girl. Yes, here.“
She was so in awe when she realized that the moon and the sun were talking to HER! She couldn’t even find one word to say.
Moon began:
“We don’t have much time, but we want to talk to you. We’ve been watching you for 20 years and we can’t bear it anymore.“
Sun intervened:
“We have some advice for you – please don’t be afraid. We are just concerned about you.“

The girl let herself fall into the grass and finally found the strength to speak:
“So even the sun and the moon are talking about me. But do either of you know my name? No one seems to care. You want to give me advice but do you care whether I want it or not? And you’ve been watching me for 20 years – but only now you decide to talk TO me. Because you are not talking with me!“

Sun and Moon were speechless, they had expected every reaction – except this one.
The girl gave them a minute to respond but they couldn’t – they had lost their voices. Then the girl got up and left. She returned to her cabin and cried herself to sleep, like every night.

For not even the sun and the moon – who had been watching her for her whole life – knew her name.

For even if they had some name she wouldn’t have been able to tell whether it was hers – she had forgotten it as well.

Murphy

If anything can go wrong, it will

This is the ‘original’ law by Murphy, or at least it is most quoted.
By far it is my most favorite – it is Murphy’s Law.
Still I do love a lot of the corollaries – especially because they apply not to every situation but rather to very specific ones.

Like Murphy’s Computer Laws:

Bugs will appear in one part of a working program when another ‘unrelated’ part is modified.

Or Murphy’s Mother Laws:

No matter how wrong you are, your mother will not hold it against you. She may remind you a number of times, but she will not hold it against you.

Or Murphy’s Employee Laws:

Your current boss is the worst you’ve ever had until the next one.

Today I feel like sharing some of Murphy’s Love Laws… just because. And because they fit so goddamn well:

Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
This constant is always zero.

And if you think you found the exception then this one hits you right in the face:

If the person isn’t taken, there’s a reason.

Or this:

If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

And in case both of them don’t we still have a couple extra:

Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.

If you are interested in someone, a close friend will grab their attention.
This is especially likely if they:
A.) Don’t want the attention of said person and/or
B.) Are already dating someone else

The ABC rule:
If A is attracted to B, and you are attracted to C, A has a better chance with B than you do with C.
B and C are often the same person.

The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.

But in case you beat all these odds – you’re still not safe…

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

The duration of a relationship to a person is inversely proportionate to the importance of person to you.

If you believe a relationship can’t work, but feel the need to try, it won’t.
Corollary: You will later find out that your lack of belief caused it to fail.

Before falling in love do take your backup, it always helps in recovery.

The amount of members of the opposite sex you pursue is inversely proportional to pretty much everything about you, such as intelligence.

Marriage is the greatest leveler.

If you marry a beautiful girl she’ll turn into her mother.
If you marry a plain girl she’ll turns into her dad.

When you take your time getting ready your date will arrive 20 min. early; when you’re on time they’re 30 min. late.

As soon as you break up the man (or woman) who couldn’t commit TO YOU will get married.

Halmos law:
To get your significant other you need: Time. Money and Energy.
The sum of the three is constant.
If you are short of one of them, you need quite a lot of the remaining two.
If you are short of two of them, you need tremendous amount of the remaining one.
If you are short of all the three, no hope.
Otherwise the result is always success.

The difference between love and the common cold is that for the common cold there is a vaccine.

This one always hits you right in the face:

Being told that someone doesn’t want to date you because you’re such a good friend, is like being told that you didn’t get the job because you’re overqualified

And if you really really manage to avoid all of the above – I still found one more:

In any married couple, both members think that they will be the first one to die, which means that at least 50% of the people will be wrong.

And personally, this one seems to have been written for me a lot of times:

The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.

Well this post mostly consists of quotes, so none at the end.
All I got to say about this is that Murphy is always right… and there exist some happier quotes in the corollaries.
I took all of the quotes from Murphy’s Laws Site and believe me there are hundreds more… about pretty much every subject you can think of.

I have been feeling lonely for a while now. And Valentines Day didn’t make things easier – not necessarily because I’m single but because I was thinking about B, the past year, all the mistakes I made, all the sh*t I’ve been through my entire life. I still haven’t found my place in this world and I sometimes don’t think I can go on any more. I am lost and I am wandering through the darkness alone.
Even though I am not alone – I have friends, I have my family – but I don’t feel connected. And for the past week I couldn’t take it any more – everything is too much. I want to feel connected but I can’t stand the world right now…

Drachenlady

Whining

It is normal for people to complain if they don’t want to do something, if they don’t like what they are doing, if they can’t see the necessity.

And there is nothing wrong with it.

We want others to know that we don’t get it, that we could use this time to do something more productive, something (seemingly) more relevant.
Maybe we want to be pitied. Maybe we want our superiors to change how things are.

Like I said, nothing wrong with that…

…or maybe…

…just maybe…

…there is a slight problem.

It is okay to vent, it is okay to complain, it is okay to whine – BUT NOT CONSTANTLY!!!

There are many different approaches to dealing with stuff we don’t like.
Complaining about it is one of them.
And it makes sense to just blow off some steam every now and then, it IS healthy.
But doing it constantly ISN’T!

To me there are two ways to deal with “undesired” situations:

A) You can try to change the situation by talking to your superior or whoever has something to say in the matter. And talking to them would be complaining in this case.
B) If you can’t do anything about the situation you can still complain about it. But doing it all the way through won’t do you – or the people who got stuck in the same situation – any good. In fact it is rather counterproductive.
Constant whining will make the situation seem worse than it actually is. If you just accept that you can’t do anything and make the best of it, things will go a lot easier. Life isn’t always fair and some things you just need to do.

I don’t think you like going to the dentist or taking out the trash but you kinda have to.
And I bet you aren’t constantly saying “I hate this” “Why do I need to do this?” “I don’t wanna”.
Now imagine you would say it.
A simple task would almost seem like torture.

There is a saying that may seem insensitive or harsh:

Suck it up and deal with it!

In this case, you should!
Things will be easier, your coworkers/classmates/… will be a lot less stressed and maybe you can even draw something, anything out of the experience. Even if you see no point in doing it – other than getting something better than an F in the exam or not being fired – you will most likely take some kind of information with you or even pick up a new skill (even if you will never use it).
There is always a positive side to things.

Constantly thinking about what you could do if you didn’t have to be here won’t make time go any faster, it will most likely feel like time has slowed down just to screw with you.

As I see things constantly reminding yourself about how bad this is by complaining to others can even lead to depression because you focus on the negative in your life instead of the positive.

Like I said in the beginning:
Complaining or whining is a good thing if you do it OCCASIONALLY.
Like with pretty much everything – more isn’t always better, it can even be pretty bad.

Be considerate to other people stuck there with you – suck it up and deal with it!

Drachenlady

Life

Considering the very likely possibility that I already wrote something similar I still decided to post this. Hey, history always repeats itself, right?

I don’t know what I feel.
I don’t know what I want.
I don’t know what I am supposed to do with my life.
I don’t know what the future will bring.
And I am afraid.
Too many variables, too many possibilities.
Life scares me. The future scares me.

And why shouldn’t it?
Life is scary. And the uncertainty of the future is scary.
Who knows if I’ll still be here tomorrow?
Yeah, chances are pretty good that I will be here – but nobody can guarantee it.

But what do I care?
If I am not here anymore – I don’t know where I’ll be.
Whether my conscious still exists.
Whether I am on another plain or somewhere around here but in another form.
Whether it is a good place or not.
Whether I can be happy there or not.
I don’t fear these things because they are too far out of my reach, my understanding.
If I just cease to exist I won’t care because I won’t be able to.
And for all the other possibilities – they are too uncertain and there are too many of them.

But life?
It is happening right now – just this second – and I can’t influence it to the extend that would give me comfort. I can’t calculate future events, not with the data I have access to and not with the computer power at my hands.
I just have to live it and see what happens.
Most times I can do that just fine. But every now and then something that will have a (seemingly) major impact on my life is about to happen and then it all scares me.

Of course the point of living is just to live.
I should just acknowledge the fact that I can’t do anything about it and move on, try to make the most of it.
But it is hard. I have trouble letting things go.
And I don’t like it when things happen that weren’t planned.
I am a planner.
I need to know what’s going on.
If I just have to deal with two or three possibilities I’m mostly okay.
I can make a separate plan for each possible scenario.
But if there are too many scenarios I am just overwhelmed.

Career-wise I am at plan F right now and have G to L sketched. And if all else fails I’l still have plan Z.
That would be to sit in the pedestrian area in Frankfurt and polish shoes. Sounds stupid but I like polishing shoes and it’s a fail-safe, a worst-case scenario recovery plan.
There are so many letters in the alphabet before it will come to this.
I had a crisis after I left school because I couldn’t come up with another plan. I was grasping the last straw.
But luckily that straw was mine – I got my perspective back and could see a future for me.

Right now I don’t see the problem education-wise.
It’s about what comes next.
Work.
The social side of things.
Will I stay in Bavaria or go back home?
All those things scare me a bit but I should be able to manage somehow.

What has always frightened me and most likely will continue to do so is the social part of life.
Relationships and their levels.
Especially the transition between levels.
Here every possibility scares the hell out of me.
And I can’t plan a single thing.
The worst part is that I am so insecure about my feelings.
I don’t know what love is!
I know when I am crushing on someone, I know when I am falling in love with someone.
But I can’t tell whether I am in love with someone or whether I actually love that person.

And right now I have no idea what I want.
Okay, I have some idea.
I don’t want to be alone.
I want to have certain people in my life and at least as friends.
I don’t know whether I want a relationship because I want a relationship / am in love with someone or because I just don’t want to be alone.
I could really use somebody to hold me every now and then.
I want someone I can lean on to sometimes.
I want to be loved.
And I want to love someone, not because of how they look or who they try to be, but because of who they are on the inside, who they can be and who they really, really want to be.
I want to support that someone, be there for them and them to be able to accept that help and support and ask for it if needed.
I want somebody to laugh with.
Somebody to cry with.
Somebody to tell stories to.
Somebody to just listen to all day and night.
Somebody to share my life with.

But more than that?
I don’t know.
And that scares me about as much as the possibility of staying alone.
I don’t want to be alone – I can deal with it for a while but not for forever.
And right now I hit a point where I want – or rather – need someone by my side.

In the end it all comes down to just living life to the fullest and hoping that the goddesses of fate have made a few less knots in my thread and woven a big heart somewhere in there…

Drachenlady

2011 / 2012

2011 is ending…
A lot has happened and it’s time to see what changed. Time to see what was good and what can be improved on in 2012.

Mid terms are over… I don’t have my grades yet but there isn’t much that can happen to me. Every other grade I got this semester was a 1 / an A. So I’m pretty safe even if I completely failed somewhere…
So school-wise all is fine.

Body-wise… well I am sick. But it’s the usual and actually this year was pretty okay as far as the flu and headaches/migraine go. For the last 3 months pretty much everyone in my class was sick at some point and I managed to drag it out till I had time to get sick (the holidays). So not much to improve on… I was sick maybe 3 times and I’m okay with this.

Psyche… There could be more improvement but all in all it’s fine. I had some bad times but I mostly noticed when things were going south. And I tried counteracting. I learned to appreciate the good times a bit more. I’ve certainly gotten way more self-conscious! I still worry too much and I still have trouble connecting with people but there was some improvement. At least I realize it more and I try not to care about what other people might think too much – I even succeed sometimes ^^
Thinking that I am the one to blame for stuff still persists. Gotta work on that some more. I did get better at asking others for help though. Saying no could become a problem – so gotta practice that a bit more. And definitely learning to take care of myself and therefore being able to say no when I need to.
All in all I’ve made progress, self-conscious-wise a lot of progress. Realizing when I could be heading for a down-phase helps a lot and I am a bit more able to show my feelings, more masks are breaking…

Socially I made progress – partly on my own but also partly due to the help of others. I get along with my classmates. I don’t like some of them so I try to keep my distance. But with most of them I get along good (as far as I know). I made new friends, maybe lost some. Some connections were severed but it’s okay with me. If they don’t need me I don’t care – why should I? Can’t do more than to say that I am sorry.

All in all 2011 was a good year, one of the best I had so far.

So what will 2012 bring?

New experiences, new challenges.

School-wise I’ll have to do a 6 month internship. This will be interesting. I am a bit afraid. But I’ll manage it – I kinda have to. And around the end of next year there will be the final exams. IHK exams. It seems like a giant roadblock right now but it will probably have been a little stepping stone by the time they are over.
Otherwise I don’t know what the new year will bring. But I have some New Year resolutions:
- Take care of myself first of all other things.
- Enjoy life. Enjoy nature. Enjoy music. Enjoy living.
- See that my social life exists and that I can do something with other people if I want to.
- Do what I want to do.
- Be good (not perfect) at what I do.
- Surprise people. Surprise myself.

That is pretty much it because that is what is important. And it is kinda in order.

I wish you all a Happy New Year and hope that it will bring lots of good things for you (and me).

“One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things.”
~ John Burroughs

Drachenlady

Broken

First (probably) good news. My grandpa seems to be better. He’s no longer in the ICU, but has a normal room. And he called me last week telling me that he decided that he didn’t want to die after all.
Weird. And I still don’t know if this means that he is better of if he’s still dying but having a few good last days or something. But that’s not so much the point. Although it could be the reason for me feeling kinda broken.

For the longest time I wanted something like a switch to turn off the thinking. I’ve always worried about all sorts of things – and way too much. I still have a hard time breaking through the cycles.
All I ever wanted was a switch to just stop being this way. A switch to stop me overthinking things. A switch to make me normal.
Then I realized that this is me and that worrying too much is a part of me and that “I am a worrier” (okay, it’s actually warrior but who cares?!). So I didn’t want the switch – I wanted a dimmer to just dial it down a bit. This way I could be myself but a little healthier and a little bit more sane.

I still haven’t found that dimmer or the switch or anything that helps except people to talk to about what worries me. Psychologists are fine but seriously – there are things I don’t talk about with my shrink. I may talk about them with some good friends or with my best friends – but I don’t have that many and they have problems of their own – I can’t bother them all the time.

What I seem to have found though is the switch for my emotions. Yesterday and today I seem to have been able to shut them off. Or some kind of human part in me. All I felt was sadness and loneliness.
I don’t know why, I don’t know how I got there or how I got out of it or if I am really out of it – but something’s just shut off. I feel broken inside.
I feel disconnected even though I am not.
I feel lonely because I am in a certain way.
I feel sad because I just am.
But there are so many things that make me feel happy – or at least should. But they don’t.

It probably is a first sign of depression – but why now?
Yeah, my grandpa. And I am under quite some stress with the “mid-terms” coming up. Also I miss some people – but there isn’t much I can do about it. I don’t have the strength to reach out and be rejected. I am glad that I have the strength to get up in the morning and (most times) not break down at some point during the day. Today I didn’t make it. But I have to get up tomorrow – we have important subjects tomorrow. 1 exam, 3 subjects for the last time before the mid-terms. I have to be there. I can’t break down.

Maybe it’s better tomorrow. Maybe it’s better next week. I don’t know.
I just don’t want to be broken right now.

“People always say that they don’t want to hurt you – but they will eventually. The only thing that is important is that they don’t to it intentionally and that they try to heal the wounds they inflicted. Also, something that is already broken can’t be broken again.”
- Drachenlady

Feel

I don’t know what to feel right now.
Yesterday there were two feelings, I was happy and I was pissed at someone.
I talked to my mom yesterday and my grandpa is dying. He has been for the past 35 years but it seems that the doctors aren’t making a mistake this time.
And now I am switching between happy and sad. Even though sad seems to be the first choice.
Sure it is understandable – it’s absolutely okay to be sad!
But I can’t deal with two contradicting feelings.
I could blend out that I am pissed by focussing on the happy.
Now I am no longer pissed – there just isn’t any room for it.
And I don’t want to focus on the happy when I might get a call that my grandpa…

Still…
I do feel like crying. I do cry.
I don’t feel like eating, I don’t want to go to sleep, I don’t want to be awake.
But you helped me take my mind off this. I wasn’t perfectly fine and I was still kinda sad – I could blend it out and be happy for a while. As weird as it sounds – I want to spend time with you because I didn’t feel like turning everything off. I want to be with you – a bit more than before because you managed to break through to me.

Should I be happy because you make me happy?
Should I be sad because I am f***ing sad?
I am really glad that I am no longer pissed – two contradicting feelings at the same time are more than enough.

I talked to my grandpa on the phone yesterday. We said our goodbyes but I’ll try again tomorrow. He said I could – to check if he still answers.

I should be prepared for this. But you never are.
You can’t prepare for someone dying – especially someone you love. Even if you can see that it is a good thing because they suffer and don’t want to suffer any more.
Seeing someones health worsen is hard to take – but for my grandpa it is not so much the physical shape. That has been bad for as long as I can remember – he has COPD with only a quarter of his lung still working. What really got to me though is that his mind worsened (?). Even though he is/was in bad health he always had a sharp mind. But over the past year he slowly lost it. He still has a very sharp mind for his age (81) but whether it is the age, lack of oxygen or something else – this got to me the most.

I just don’t know how to feel. Is it okay to ask again given the circumstances? Or should I just wait until everything is over and I am no longer grieving?

Life just sucks sometimes.

“Life not always seems fair, but life is neither fair nor unfair. It is just what it is – LIFE. What matters is that you lived it to the fullest and did all you wanted to do when your final days come. Then you can die happy.”
- Drachenlady

Also, why does everyone have to choose December? My grandma died on December 6th 2007, my grandpa’s second wife also died in December – and now probably my grandpa? December just sucks!